One of the personality traits I possess is the inability to vocalize my emotions and feelings to people in person. The only way I can fully, openly, and honestly communicate with anyone in my life is by written word. Be it IM’s, blogging, letters, poems, song lyrics. I don’t write the song lyrics, but I have been known to write a poem now and then although not so much anymore. It’s easy for me and can do it for anything about anything. Need an anniversary, valentine’s, mother’s day poem? Send me some names and basic info and I’ll be the ghost writer. I want to start writing more, so feel free to ask and let’s see if I still got it.

Anyway, I’ve been a little down in the dumps this weekend for no real reason. When I get this way I like to look into deep emotional subjects like love story movies and slow emotional music. Tonight I dug through some old photos for the purpose of a Wordless Wednesday and seeing some of these things made me laugh and also remind me of the crappy as past I had. No so much as a kid, but my adolescence sucked. Someday I think I may do a series of posts that spotlight each year of high school. We’ll see.

Feeling all nostalgic, I decided to hit up my father’s legacy of poems and writings. That’s right, I said poems. I inherited this gift from him whether I wanted it or not. Like him, he did not communicate well verbally ut excelled in written word. I am a bottler just like he was. If something REALLY bothers me, I may or may not ever bring it up. I will just find fault in my own feelings and convince myself I was wrong to think such a way and throw it away. Not a healthy way to live, but it’s how I roll.

While reading some of my dad’s work, I found many things that I did not understand but some I did. Some were humorous and many were full of sadness from a depression he also passed on to me. The one that I will share with you all tonight is perhaps the most personal thing I could ever share with you. This is an item I found in there that is not a poem and I do not know when he wrote it. I’m guessing it is at least 4 years old based on some lines. It is the message he wrote to me to be found after he passed away. He knew he would never be able to say these things to me in person.I will not adjust any typing, just paste it as is.

To Patrick  (not a poem)

When you read these words, I will be gone
This is my only way to say them
What I feel for you is love and admiration.
You were the kind of son any man would want
I was so lucky to get you.
You have a good heart and will make a great Dad.
You know the mistakes to look out for
Because I made them with you

I know you will do well in this life
You are still young and well on the way
I am proud and hold you still in my heart
No matter where I am
I will be watching you every day
And helping when I can.

Don’t you ever grieve for me
I am happier where I am
All the pains of my life are past me now
I’m happier here in Paradise
There are no clocks in heaven
The only time is now.
We’ll meet again one day
And I will love you till then.
Dad

Never being able to really say goodbye or fully recalling my last conversation with him, this is perhaps the most comforting thing anyone has ever done for me. Below are his favorite pictures of me and my sister too. I was a pretty cute kid I think…..what the hell happened!

So 6 months ago my wives friends held a little Christmas gala. OK, not a gala, but chips, dip, beer and wine was a fun time. Needless to say we had a little secret santa amongst the adults and I stole the show by doing the unexpected. To my honor, my gift is still on display 6 months later in a prominent position in their family room. Every time they sit to watch TV, they see my gift. Every time they go to play Wii, the controls are right under it. I did give a real gift along side this gem but obviously this was the favorite.

Do you see it?

I’m more important than Disney World!

Wondering how I may top this next year? I have some ideas depending on who’s name I draw…

I don’t mean what your gutter minds might be thinking, I’m talking about friendships.

This evening, while out for a quick meal before hitting the grocery store, the Mrs and I had a conversation where we both agreed our virtual friends might be better than our real friends. She has a real strong core of friends here, so I think that they may win out for her.

I tend to disagree. I really don’t have any “go to” guys here as most of my friends are in different places in their lives. Now I get along great with all her friends spouses and every once in a blue moon we’ll do something on our own without the girls. But aside from that, I really don’t have anyone I would call close. At least not so much anymore. I do have a really good friend that I see every day at work but our lives are really not much more than that the past several years. Raising a family will do that when the other isn’t even married yet.

Through my blogs and now my new addiction known as plurk, I have grown to really like and enjoy the company of you, my readers in a chat capacity. I have actually created a couple of real friendships via these methods and I find it’s easier to talk to you all. There are no dispositions, no expectations, no requirements outside of just being on-line every once in a while. No one has to dress up, get dressed, or even bathe to have a good deep conversation with good people about anything. I have become somewhat close to a couple of you and I deeply enjoy our sometimes serious, but mostly silly conversations. It’s a new form of therapy in some sort, but best of all it’s fun!