First off, I know all 8 of you are holding your breath regarding my cuddly bag of beans. Aside from a 4 year old footprint this evening, they are feeling fine. Exhale folks, they’ll be back to being useless and nothing but annoying soon enough (bat wings suck as much as it is gross).

Now to the brain farts, I’ve used pure randomness in my title before and this seemed more appealing to me. Maybe I will post non-spell checked just to hold form with the title. So here comes some all over the place totally fucked up ramblings from my fucked up mind.

My 4 year old tried out air hockey this weekend and much to my delight she was pretty darn good at it. Banks, saves, pokes…..I was impressed. It also helps my cause to get my own table, but I’d have to sleep on it to if I did as there is no room.

I played some soccer last night and lost 4 pounds in the process. I dunno how much I gained back today yet, but still, suck on that popsicle Jenny Craig! It’s simple, drink water and coffee all day, eat a footlong sub from Subway and go run in 94 degree heat with full humidity non-stop for about an hour.

No really good new music of late, just some re-discovering if old tunes as situations in life change. Don’t you love how you can hear a song one day, and hear it totally different the next? Simple things like frame of mind can totally turn around any lyric to make you laugh, cry, or just go dance like a crazy person. My favorite lyric of late is “There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done”. It’s cool if you know the song but I got nothing to give away this week except maybe some old underwear or some random junk in my garage.

*whew* smell that? That was a bonafide brain fart. I think the train of thought just dribbled out of my ear. Oh my, that was a nasty thought. Sorry if you were eating when you read this. I have wax issues though. I once had an ear specialist “not officially” tell me I had 80% blockage in my canal in one ear and 40% in the other. I got em flushed and all, but could probably use another. Or maybe I just have some of my mom’s ADD. She doesn’t know it yet, but she does. She will not finish sentences like “So when are you going. Oh I just heard this funny story.” Seriously, I’m not making that up.

Ah well, plenty of other crazy crap happening in hockeyman world but you’re gonna need a ticket. The roller coaster currently has a 6 hour wait but people are moving along nicely at the ring my bell with a sledge hammer strength challenge. *ding* *ow* The skies are overcast and threatening rain, but please step inside the pavilion and have a beer. We have an instructional video for you to enjoy while you wait called WTF is this I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading. Starring and narrated by Valeri Burtonelli with an interpretive dance by Justin Timberlake.

hope I don’t get sued for that

Only one, well two, winner this week. How can you top this?

Wanna know what this is? Go here.

*** Warning this post contains nudity, and graphic images that could be considered porn. Also thanks go to the late great George Carlin for safer terminology used in this post. ***

So I did the ultrasound today and the non-awkward conversationalist technician said everything looked normal and there was nothing obviously wrong. Which I guess is good, but that doesn’t tell me what’s wrong!

Anyway, my love apples still hurt and my pain killers work only if I double up. Hopefully the new anti-biotics do their job and I’ll be done with dropping my pants for strangers in strange rooms and paying them to do so.

Today was interesting as I walked into a dark room to meet my fondler of the day. A young Indian girl who was quite pleasant to talk with before the business. After attending every sonogram for my children, I recognized the machine and my first thought was…..that goo shit is cold. Great.

Then my second question came to mind. Umm….so while you are moving that little wand around, what do I do with my purple-helmeted warrior of love? The answer came in the form of a folded up wash cloth. It was folded up into a rectangle and I was supposed to grab the ends and strap down the heat-seeking moisture missile.

So she left the room allowing me to get under my sheet and get ready. My twisted mind instantly sprang to life. Now the room is obviously kept at sub-zero temperatures to prevent braggarts, but looking at the rectangular cloth, I seriously debated laying it vertically instead of horizontally. I thought it might be a nice ice-breaker and create the illusion of being donkey-rigged. Better judgement took over and I followed the instructions as given.

The whole thing lasted about 15 minutes although it felt like an hour as I watched my disabled buttermilk factories on the black and white screen. I guess they did measurements and snapped pics from every possible angle. She even pulled up a screen that showed pulse readings and recorded the sound of my pulse in each. That was kinda neat actually and explained why no vitals were ever taken. I am glad there is a pulse in my finger cause that would suck to be in triage and have to drop your pants while blood pressure is measured.

Oh yeah, I dunno where you get your ultrasounds ladies, but the gel gooey stuff was warmed here, actually a little on the hot side. I braced myself expecting coldness, but got a warm sensation instead. Think “Ron Jeremy Ron Jeremy”…..whew that could have been awkward. The towel was horizontal remember and no one really wants a periscope.

Anyway, the session was done and my neck hurt from stretching as far as I could to make sure I only saw the screen. I didn’t want the visual of a lady’s hand on my bean bag with loads of blue gel and latex gloves. Might ruin any future real life moments.

Thankfully, the lamp of life never created an embarrassing moment and she left me to clean up on my own. Before I left I thought of all my lady blogger friends and snapped a camera pic of what was left on screen. So here you go ladies, a top view of Hockeyman’s clangers.