I know, I haven’t been writing much lately. I’m even pretty much non-existent on the Twitter pages. Sorry to say I’m not sorry about it. I only want to write or twit or whatever when I feel a good story or tale I wish to share. Not much of either happens very much for me so if you’re still reading my “online diary” for lack of better words, thanks. I’m trying not to overload you with all my stories of visits to Disney World. I’d ask you to continue voting for me in that little Nick poll with the badge to the right, but not even I vote for myself every day. How pathetic is that! I guess I really don’t care even if the prize is $2,000 or something. Guess I don’t want the pressure to make my blog anything but just that.

Getting back to my title of this post, I recently learned one of my aunts is probably on her last days on Earth. As I have uniquely special and dear connections with all my aunts and uncles, 99% anyway, she is very special to me. As a wee lad, as in before school days, this aunt raised me and my sister. Not knowing if there even were day care centers in those days, it was my grandmother’s house where my aunt lived  that my sister and I were dropped off to every parental work day. Even though it was not even in the same county as we lived, I think, I went to kindergarten to the school around the corner from her house because that’s where I’d go after school every day. She fed me tuna fish on toasted rye, or peanut butter and jelly also toasted but sometimes on white instead of rye. I remember watching Days of Our Lives with her and General Hospital but all I remember was Luke and Laura. We also watched Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, Electric Company and the Mets if they were on. We played in the pool and colored and I loved her very much. I still do. When she was much younger she had a stroke and often had small spells that required a hand to hold but nothing more. Several years after my sister and I were in her daily care she had another stroke that left her in a wheelchair and difficult speech skills for the past 20+ years. Since moving to Florida 21 years ago it is rare I get to see her. In the past 18 months though I have gotten to see her 3 times. At her mother, my grandmother’s funeral, her vacation trip with other family here to Orlando, and recently at my sisters wedding.

Before the wedding I learned she had some cancer in her cervix area and recently had a hysterectomy to remove said cancer and all went extremely well. Until 2 days ago when she awoke with some hemorrhaging and a trip to the hospital ensued. Docs checked her out and all was well until today. Today she took a turn for the worse and now her brothers and sisters, with power of attorney, are following her wishes of a DNR and to remain without tubes and machines and medicine to allow her to return to the care of her “mommy and daddy” in afterlife. All the nieces and nephews presently engaged have been married and all those expecting children have had their babies meet her. To me it seems her bucket list is complete and she is ready to give up a not so high quality of life and be at peace.

The title comes from my emotion on this whole thing. I’m just numb. Of course I am sad, but I have seen so much death in the past 3 years that I have become numb or maybe just fully accepting to the only guarantee any of us have in life. The knowledge that someday it will end. No one knows when, where, or how, but we all know it will happen. I am of course saddened by the news, but I don’t know if I will feel that sadness until I make a pilgrimage to say goodbye. I’m just numb. I do not want her to go but I know someday she will. I also don’t want to visit her in a hospital, as I did with her mother, knowing those moments would be our last together. I will never forget the strength in my grandmothers hand and she squeezed mine 2 days before she died and I don’t want that last memory for many of my relatives. The last time I saw my aunt was at my sisters wedding. She was smiling, happy, full of life, and it was beautiful. If I lived in New York, I would be there as much as possible no doubt. Since I am not, I know she would not want it any other way if given the choice.

No doubt I will likely keep my blog updated with news and developments. In the meantime, I will spend as much time at Disney World that I can before my pass is blacked out for the summer. Today I too my girls to one of the parks all by myself and we had a great time while their mother got a much needed and deserved day of rest and relaxation. It probably seems like I am a Disney nut, but I really am only a nut for the parks. Even there, I have plenty of complaints or changes I would make to better suit me but alas I still go. I don;t just go for my kids either. I go because every single time I do I get that feeling of excitement and happiness as I did the very first time I went to Disney World as a teenager. Seriously, every time I go I get that feeling of happiness before we go in and that feeling of sadness when the day is over and it’s time to go home. I do my best to make each experience special to my girls so they don’t take it for granted. We are fortunate though to live here and I will take advantage for as long as I can. My goal is for my kids to feel that happiness coming through me and as they grow older to feel the parks are places that invoke great family memories and happy times spent with their mom and dad. For me, that place was the pool in my grandmothers backyard. For my kids, maybe it will be Disney World.

Every parent loves those moments when we get to brag a little bit about our kids. My moment came yesterday, not in glory or amazing feat, but in pride for my baby girl just doing her best. Yesterday completed my daughter’s very first foray into competitive sports in the form of U5 YMCA soccer. Since she has always been a very shy child and very reserved we were really nervous about signing her up for a team based activity, but she insisted she wanted to play and so we gave her the chance. The first practice went pretty well by any standard, but not the second. The second practice, which was the last before the first game, met with great resistance and hesitation. It was a struggle as was getting her out to the first game just 2 days later. But something happened during her first minutes on the pitch, her team scored. We didn’t see teeth, but her expression was unmistakable, she liked that.

The rest of the season never again saw a struggle for participation. She never even thought of quitting again and expressed her enjoyment for playing. In practice, she is the only kid who does everything the coach asked exactly as she is told. She is active and gives her all and never quits or even breaks for water unless she is given permission. During games she stayed on the outside of the pack, away from the ball, but always with the group. Despite her parents cheering her to just go kick the ball she would actually step away from the ball if it came at her. The last game her coaches tried positioning her right next to the opponents goal to steal her a goal but she wasn’t biting. She kicked the ball in a game 4 times this season, plus a throw in and an indirect kick and maybe one kickoff. For her, that made her feel good and she enjoyed herself as much as her mom and dad did watching her.

All this leads to the end of season party on Saturday. We expected her to get a trophy for the season and knew how excited she would be to get it. She was quite excited to see them lined up on the table before the presentation. What happened next was unexpected by all of us. Her coach, who does her U5 and a U7 team, pulled out another box with all kinds of special trophies he bought himself. Coach awards were presented as well as some medals and an MVP award for each team. (OK, I’m choking up a little writing this part.) Then her coach pulled out a neat little bobble head type trophy and gave a little speech about a player on his team that won him over. A player who was hesitant in the beginning but refused to quit all year. A player who worked harder than anyone else on his team week in and week out. He mentioned how no other player had come so far all season and of course he was talking about my little girl. My little girl won a special trophy for the Most Improved Player and walked to the front of the crowd with her biggest shy smile and accepted her special trophy along with a hug from her coach. She returned with her 2 trophies to her tear heavy parents stunned by the events and so full of pride and elation. After all, this was a child once evaluated to be 18 months behind in her social skill development and had special therapy to try and shrink that gap. Dammit, I could not be more proud of her. She has come so far and even though she still has a lot to work on, I know for a fact she’ll never give up.

The hardware from hard work

Waiting for lunch to arrive at Disney World

Daddy's little girls indulging his love of Star Wars

Sorry, I sneezed while writing that title. I say phlooey because my sneezes are really powerful and sometimes loud. I sprayed all over this post so just some random notes from the field I guess.

I know I have been pretty sucky at the blogging thing and twittering as well. Been pretty quiet I know but also pretty busy. All is fine and well, just busy. Maybe I’ll get better and maybe I won’t. We’ll see. Although since this blog was nominated for best in Orlando by Nickelodeon’s site, I guess I should try harder. Maybe I can drum up a few more votes. Hint hint… *cough* you can vote once per day until voting ends in 60 days or so *cough* Whew, that cough was productive. No, I did not nominate myself, it just showed up there.

I scored a really cool goal last night in soccer, although my knee is still hurting from 2 wees ago. I don’t think it will be a good idea to play hockey on it tomorrow night. I was called to do a sub job again and I’d like to except I don’t wanna push my knee and the game starts at 10:45. PM.

The new Star Trek movie is pretty bad ass. I took myself on a date while the girls were on the cruise. I even treated myself to some Twizzlers and a root beer. Yum. The date went wonderful and I thought was very promising but I’m still waiting for that phone call. It’s been over 3 days now, so I dunno if I will call. Oh well.

My job is sucking the life out of me. The new leadership that took over 6 months ago has settled in and it’s a new culture and a culture that is not pleasant to be in. I am squeezing as hard as I can to get a drop of care about what I do but I feel the well is empty. Oh well, it’s not a horrible place to be and could be much worse so I’ll just keep my eyes and ears open and see what may or may not come along. It’s just a little sad for me as I once truly loved where I did what I do and that has disappeared.

Ok, some parenting questions for you. I don’t know if it’s normal or not but I’m concerned about my oldest. I have apparently become her absolute best friend in the world. Not that this is a bad thing, I love every moment. But I worry that if I indulge her every constant request from me to do everything with her, my youngest will feel less important to me. If you ask my oldest who she wants to do anything(take to bed, help with something, etc…) she will always ask for me over her mom and anyone else. So now I see the younger one going the other way and fairly resistant to my attempts to calm her when upset. I dunno if that is normal or anything to worry about, I’m just concerned that my youngest will not think of me as someone she can turn to. Is it normal for a child to have a preferred parent? Am I overreacting or concerned for nothing? I don’t feel as though I’m giving that impression but should I worry about it or just embrace it for now? Meh, I’m probably just thinking too much and we all know what happens when a man starts thinking too much….new worlds discovered, space travel, relativity, poetry, art, etc… hehe. (that was a little joke for the ladies)