It was exactly 4 years ago at the moment this post is released that my life changed forever for a second time. As you read in part one, it was on this day 4 years ago at 9am on the button my second daughter was born. Just shy of 9 hours later on the same day, my father suddenly died.

I’ll never forget the moment I got that phone call. I had been awake for roughly 36 hours at that point after an all night affair with my wife in labor. My sister called my phone 45 minutes prior to this call saying there was a code blue for my Dad in the hospital where he was under observation from a fall he had a few days before. Something about a heart problem. There was a brain bleed but yet he was moving out of the ICU and was scheduled to come home the next day. Things seemed pretty normal and he had known his second grandchild had been born. A grandchild he would never meet in the physical world.

I remember being a bit nervous in the hospital room as a couple of Angie’s friends had just arrived a few minutes before. Erika and Ellen were her friends and I had really only met them a couple months before at a Halloween party. They were sitting to my left when my cell phone rang and I announced it was my mom or sister calling, I forget who’s phone number appeared. What I do remember is hearing my frantic sister’s voice agonizing over the words “Patrick, he’s gone. Dad’s gone.” I remember yelling what as the tears swarmed in my eyes and she said it again to confirm. From my chair I remember dropping to my knees screaming the word No and collapsing my head in wails of tears on to my wife’s bed. She got the phone, and confirmed what I had just heard for herself. Thankfully, my wife’s new friends were holding our 8 hour old infant at the time. I have not cried that hard since. Nor have I been awake for that long since then either.

What happened after that is mostly a blur for me. Apparently, Ellen and Erika stepped out into the hallway and within 10 minutes of doing so the nurses took the baby from them. Not by request, they just didn’t have a matching bracelet and security policy was enforced. I guess they left shortly after then. I’m also very grateful they are still both in my life today, and I am glad to call them both my friend. I remember my in law’s coming shortly after that to take me home and also stay with my wife. I remember debating whether to stay in the hospital or to go home that night and it was insisted I return home to get a full nights rest. My mother in law would stay with the wife and baby that night. I also remember getting home and kissing my oldest on the forehead before retiring to my bed which was so nicely made and turned down. I remember calling my best friend Jon and telling him the news. I then just remember crawling into bed trying to digest the day and falling asleep in the process.

Since that day four years ago, I have felt my father’s spiritual presence on several occasions. I often pray to him in ways that seek his guidance or advice. Most of the time I just hear him pointing and laughing as I see advice for the child throwing a tantrum. He always did look forward to seeing me “get mine” as he liked to put it. Mostly though, I just miss him.

In this past year I proudly walked his daughter down the aisle at her wedding. In this coming year I will be helping to welcome his third granddaughter into the world. Not my child this time, my sister’s. Sometimes I feel bad for my sister that his physical presence is missed at her life’s milestone’s. However, I know he is with her in spirit and in many ways that is better for him. He is able to move about move freely than had he remained in the physical world. Even though I’m sure my sister shares the same opinion, I know she misses him as well.

It goes without saying, after what would have been 34 years of marriage this year, my mother misses him as well.

December 29 will always be a day of celebration for my family. We will celebrate in 2 very different ways. First and up front, we will celebrate the beginning of my daughter’s life. We will laugh and shower her with love and gifts, again, and we will eat cake. We will sing songs and make sure she is happy and feels like the most special little girl on the planet. Inside and much more quietly, we will also celebrate the life and legacy my father left us with on the same day.

I miss you dad.

I love you.

It was exactly four years ago as of the moment this post was published my life changed forever. After a long hard night of labor for your mom, you were safely in our arms. Tears of joy ran down my face out of pure joy that you were finally here. Your older sister was waiting at home with your grandfather and your aunt and grandmother were right over my shoulder. You know, I don’t think they expected to be in the same room as you were delivered but they kind of got stuck there. No matter, the focus was all on your arrival.

Since that morning you have blessed our lives with a smile that lights up every room you enter. Everyone who spends any amount of time with you falls in love with you almost instantly. You are gentle and kind and so petite. You are the best snuggle I have ever felt and your soft voice is the sweetest in the world. As your sister is, you are very intelligent. You pick up things faster and with greater ease than your sister did before you. I guess you have a good teacher in her. She is your best friend and you are such a wonderful playmate to her. Except when you insist things are done your way. It’s fun to watch!

I cannot begin to explain how much you have taught me about myself as a parent. As much as you are like your sister, you are the exact opposite in so many ways. I feel like you make me a well rounded parent. You have a quality to you that is fiercely independent and although at times it can be frustrating, it’s also what makes you so wonderful. You are the care taker. Your babies, even though always naked, are always well taken care of. I absolutely love to watch you play with them, especially when you don’t know I’m watching.

As you pass from 3 to 4 years of age, many things in the coming year will change for you. Pre-school is only 8 months away and I know you are going to thrive in the environment. At home you may show your sassier attitude, but when you are in a school environment you are an absolute angel. Thanks for that, I prefer you save your fits for home instead of school. You make friends with such great ease and your not afraid to do anything. You will perform on stage with all your ability and that is something your sister never did. I’m sure someday soon enough, you will tease her for that and I will have to correct you for doing so.

I still very much miss the days when you would fall asleep on my shoulder or just in my arms. Only in the rarest of occasions will that ever happen again. It feels like only yesterday when I would rock you to sleep in the middle of the night while some horrid movie was on the TV. I miss that so much and at the same time I don’t miss it for a second. Although back then you would say it with your eyes, I much prefer feeling my heart melt when that sweet little voice says “I love you Daddy.”

Happy 4th Birthday Princess. Daddy loves you!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Right? Perhaps for some, certainly not for all. I’m sitting firmly on the fence with one leg on either side. I’m certainly looking forward to seeing my children soaking it all in and I’m sure come Christmas morning I’ll be all flowing with spirit. Until then though, I am more humbug. Until the moment of giving, I am humbug because it’s expensive.

The logical part of my brain just can’t give in to the free spirit of a holiday I don’t actually celebrate. I participate in the holiday, but we certainly don’t celebrate it. There is no church in my plans for this coming weekend, nor any real mention of the holiday’s origin. I don’t know if I am a true Christian, I guess so. I’m not Jewish or Muslim, or anything else. I also believe in God. I believe in heaven. Not so sure about hell and I also don’t buy the entire story about Jesus or the entire Bible. Especially not enough to forge an entire belief system around. Just too many holes for my scientific logical mind. I don’t subscribe to any church because I always find something in their rules I disagree with. I also have a hard time supporting an institution that runs itself like a business but refuses to consider itself one. I am very spiritual, but not religious. I was once part of a religion. Roman Catholic. In my family’s time of need though, they turned their backs on us. I’ll never forget the moment I looked at the church as liars and nothing but a corporation. We had recently returned from a trip to the grocery store where my parents used food stamps to help pay the bill. At home we had a letter from our church that we were not donating enough every week to be considered good standing members of said church. Imagine that. We left that church and found another that felt more like home but when we moved out of state, we left that church behind as there was no suitable replacement. Since then I have looked to find a potential replacement, but those rules keep getting in my way.

We will do the whole Santa thing and gift exchange as per usual because it’s fun and the kids will love it. I enjoy getting gifts just as much as the next guy and I really enjoy giving them. Logically though, I don’t know why we have to pick this one particular day to do it. Why not bestow gifts on loved ones all year? Why not do it on Thanksgiving? Isn’t that when we’re supposed to be giving thanks to everything in our lives? I guess I could look it up on the Internet but I’m sure I’d find as many explanations as there are religions. I have nothing against holidays, perhaps just at all the commercial exploitation of them. I don’t know, I’m just a bit lost I guess. Maybe the Polar Express will come pick me up on Thursday night and all will be explained.

On Friday, it will be a holiday many in my family love with all their heart. We will celebrate all the wonderful things in our lives and all the love we have for each other. We will sit as a family and consume a glorious meal. We will have plenty of smiles as we witness the pure joy of Santa at work with my little girls and we will help them play with their new things. That’s the spirit of the holiday right? To enjoy the company of loved ones and celebrate that love? I guess it depends on who you ask. There will be lots of Christmas themed music on the speakers as if you have a choice. I don’t know of any other holiday at this time with such a vast amount of options. We do need some new music though, something modern in terms of lyrics. Not too many sleighs roaming around anymore. If you get a new iPod or iPhone, you can have some fun with the music by using iCaroler[iTunes Link]. It’s only $1 and it allows you to play around with Christmas carols. If you have friends with the app, you can all play it together and it syncs with each device creating your own little caroling crew. It’s a fun little app to mess around with this holiday season.

As quickly as it all came upon us, it will be over and then it will just be Saturday. For us, that means it’s time to put together a birthday celebration for my youngest daughter. She will turn 4 just a few days later. More about that in a few days.

Until then though, I hope you and your family have a happy and safe holiday season regardless of which, if any, you will be celebrating. Since mostly everything will be closed on Friday, use the day as an excuse to express the love you have for the people in your life.

After all, all you need is love.

Peace.